Hidden Sorrows
by SmileGoodSir
Summary: On the outside, Izzy seems like a blissfully happy girl, enjoying her own insanity. But on the inside, the redhead feels something much different, something much darker.


_Hello everyone. Some of my friends have told me it wold be healthy to write about how I feel. To vent in a way. So this fanfiction is very serious. And really depressing. Yes, everything that Izzy feels, I have felt personally. I just wanted to try and see if writing will be, therapeutic in a way. Alright, let's do this._

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Izzy is depressed.

A few years ago, I had an epiphany about myself. My sense of humor, my eccentric behavior, all my quirks and mannerisms that I valued so much, that I felt were just apart of me.

Annoyed the living hell out of everyone.

I picked up on the mannerisms. On all of the eye rolling. it began with few people, but then I began to see everyone. That's when the worry and stress set in. I genuinely like these guys. They're my buddies! The last thing I wanted to do was just be annoying. I wanted to be a light of sorts, someone who could bring something light-hearted in all of the drama.

But Izzy has failed that mission. She knows she just annoys everyone. I've known that for a couple of years now, and I've struggled with severe depression ever since. My persona and personality at the moment is completely fake. I mean, Izzy really, really, REALLY wants to be on the inside what she seems to be on the outside, but I'm such a broken mess I'd need smurfs to come inside my body while I'm asleep and repair me.

I try to hide it by failing to do what I so desperately want to be successful at. Humoring others, but I am just so bizarre in all I do that I just suck at it. Often times I screw up even worse than just mild annoyance. I accidentally hurt others badly or ruin other things.

And I've done it again. The original twenty-four of us that competed on Total Drama had a party tonight, and I wanted to make everyone laugh, which is the only thing that gives me any vindication for existing. So I decided to swing from a chandelier. It was fun at first, but then my weight cause it to crash down and start a fire. The whole party was ruined since the hall was in total ruin.

And it was all my fault.

I look at the burnt rubble and the sobbing and sigh heavily. I ignore the dirty looks I receive and walk to the dock and plop down. Why can't I just be normal? Scratch that, being normal sounds more disgusting then Chef's leg hairs. Why can't I be weird without being... without being me? I know that sounds weird and barely understand it. I just... sigh, I don't even know.

Maybe I should just end it all. Just commit suicide. End all the drama and all the suffering. I'm so unbelievably tired of it! And I'm sure people are tired of me. Especially after tonight's incident. Yeah, maybe I should just get it over with. Hang myself like I've considered.

My thoughts are interrupted by three pairs of footsteps. I look behind me and see my three best friend. Noah. Eva. Big-O. Three people I don't deserve to even call semi-acquaintances. I annoy them all to an extreme, I'm sure of it. Particularity Owen with all the kiwi-smashing. They all look concerned about me, even Eva surprisingly. But they are just pitying me I think. No, I know they are. No one in their right minds would be friends with some stupid freak like me. I certainly wouldn't!

"Iz?" Noah asks, "You okay?"

I force an enormous smile on my face. It has gotten progressively harder to fake my grins as the months have worn on. my laughs even harder to do so.

"I'm fine." I blatantly lie. I am not flipping fine, "I guess I just feel kinda bad about the party."

"Aw don't worry about it Izzy." Owen places his hand on my shoulder, "We all make mistakes. Plus, heh, the fire was actually sort of awesome!"

"Certainly made things interesting." Noah smirked, "Don't let it get you down. Everyone will get over it, half the people have done worse things since breakfast."

"Yeah." Eva nodded in agreement, "You just let me know if anyone dare gives you a hard time. I'll crush their skulls!"

"Thanks you guys." I smile at them, "I don't deserve you guys at all. I-I think I just need to be alone."

I slowly walk away from them, with the threesome look at me with true concern.

"Damn." Eva comments, "She's really upset."

"I hope she's gonna be okay." Owen worries, "It seems wrong for her to be like this."

"Don't worry guys." Noah reassured, "Izzy is a fighter. She's strong. She'll be just fine, trust me."

Oh Noah-boa, how wrong you are. I'm not strong, I'm weak. But that isn't my biggest problem. My level of annoyingness is.

I'm going to my room to think about what to do.

As I walk down the halls of Playa De Losers, I take a sledge-hammer and begin to tear myself down in my mind. Normally when these thoughts plague my soul, I huddle in the corner of my room and in my mind visualize the feelings about myself as a dragon, and Izzy is a beautiful knight, using explosives to kill the dragon. But for some reason i just can't do that this time. I've never been one to lose the will to fight, yet I just give up and entertain the thoughts circulating. Every single negative thought I have about myself, I just annoy others, I'm stupid, my friends are just nice people who pity me, all statements I know that are lies deep down, I accept them, and refuse to think anything otherwise.

And then I begin to believe them stronger than I ever have before.

_You are an irritating nuisance. All you ever do is annoy people, nothing more, nothing less. Everything would improve if you were gone. Izzy, you're a terrible person who should have come into life in the form of a tomato, that way you will SHUT UP! Glob you are soooooo stupid. Do you think your jokes are funny? They AREN'T. Instead there just stupidly idiotic, or actually harmful towards others around you. I mean Owen probably can't have children because you thought you were making people laugh by kicking his kiwis. It's too bad too, since it seems humoring people was the only thing that gave you any form of purpose and happiness in your sad little life. Just goes to show how much you have screwed up harder than most politicians. You are a terrible lover, a terrible friend, and a terrible daughter. YOU. ARE. A. MISTAKE. **AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO TO CHANGE THAT.**_

Izzy doesn't like crying, or sadness. I practically feed off of making others laugh or smile. And the fact is I haven't ever don e that, EVER. I... I have to accept that all I do is annoy people. That their lives would improve without my weirdness being a bother. I have to-NO! I'm not worthless, yes I am, no I'm not, I... just... well...I JUST WANT TO DIE! I WANNA GO BOOM BOOM. I'm so tired of living each day the way I have for the past few years! Feeling so worthless and feeling like I'm some typo in the plan of life. I don't want to be normal, screw that crap. But I'm too weird, I'm too strange, and my habits and sense of fun rubs everyone the wrong way. I don't... want to... annoy.. anyone ever...a-again.

The tears flow down my eyes like a waterfall as I sprint down the halls. I hate for people to see me so upset. So broken that tape from the hand of God Himself might not even be able to fix Izzy. Since my eyes are closed, I don't notice Justin walking in front of me, and I slam into him.

"My face!" the model clutches his cheek in worry. Then he glares at me, "Is it not enough that you ruined the party, that you must also ruin my face you crazy son of a-"

Izzy has totes been called that more times than there are people on the earth. I force another smile onto my face. I just thought of a hilarious joke, bound to make everyone laugh. Wait, no it won't. it'll probably just irritate Justin even more than he already is. I don't want to do that, to anyone ever again, so i'm not going to tell the joke. Bu-but what if he laughs? What if the joke makes him crack even the faintest of smiles? That would prove I'm not just a waste. That would prove I still have potential in me to be able to entertain others and make people laugh. But then again this whole thing may backfire, so maybe I just- No. No. No. This may just be what I need. I'm gonna tell the joke.

"Actually, i'd rather be the son of a walrus, thank you very much." I inquire as I make what I think is a walrus noise. I wait for Justin's reaction. It doesn't need to be hysterical laughter. I just need a glimmer of a smirk. Just_ something_.

And what is the verdict.

The guy rolls his eyes and scoffs, walking away. Under his breath I hear him grumbling about how I'm not funny.

How I'm just what I always knew I truly was.

Annoying.

That does it. I'm done with life. I'm done annoying people and just being a bug to society. I'm ending my life.

I walk only a few more yards to my the front door of my room. I open it up and walk in. Then I lock the door. Maybe no one will miss me. Maybe people will think I just ran off to do something weird and am not coming back for a long time. That would be nice, I just want to go quietly. Which is ironic since that is such a stark contrast to my personality, and since I've always dreamed about dying in an explosion.

But I don't deserve to go out that way. I've blown up too many things as it is. No, instead I get my rope that I keep handy (n retrospect I kept too many things handy) and create a noose. I tie it around the sprinkler on the ceiling.

It's a really strange experience doing what I'm doing. But I have this strange sense of satisfaction to it. I'm somewhat glad for two reasons.

One, I'm not going to annoy anyone ever again. I care about people so much, the last thing I wanted to do was just be a loud pain in the rear. I didn't want to be. I tried not to be. But Izzy certainly at that, hasn't she?

Two, I'll finally be free.

I bring a desk chair over and stand on it and proceed to rap the rope around my neck. It's super itchy but I won't ever have to scratch an itch again in moments.

Right before I go all suicidal I think to myself. I ponder if this is the right decision. If I'm really doing the right thing. What if my friends really do care about me and aren't just pitying me? No, impossible, can't be true. I don't know why, it just can't. Eva and Noah will have fewer headaches, and Owen will have less kiwi pain. What about my family, won't they miss me? Maybe, but they'll be so much better off without me, heck, they'll be able to save cash! Maybe enough to get my uncle a new ear. I hope its green with orange polka dots. Haha.

Well, I got no reason not to do this, but I do have many reasons to do so. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and utter two random words, which will be the final ones I ever say.

"Pie socks."

And then I kick the chair over, and my body falls, neck snapping with it. And just like that its over, just like that, I'm gone.

People may say that when you die, all you see is black. Well Izzy, if she could be revived, she would be able to prove them wrong.

Because what she saw was a beautiful, comforting light. Like it was an amazing explosion of sorts.

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_Not the end. I'm not particularly fond of unhappy endings. So you should expect a couple more updates from this story._

_Hope this was well-written. God bless. :)_


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